By placing this hurricane globe and spray of brightly colored flowers on the table between us, I've diverted your attention away from the unfortunately drab shawl of the woman beside me. This is called "showcasing."

Unfortunately, I found it necessary to call the authorities on the picnic-themed birthday party that did not include my signature ants on a log cake. My apologies.

You kid, but I'm telling you, I actually made a fringe rug out of my own shriveled afterbirth.

Yes, this is definitely the year of the champagne punch cocktail with a turducken twist.

My crossed hands make me look like tough-talking executive but my flaming foliage candleholders tell a different story.

These may look like real French bulldogs, but they're actually just crafty replicas stuffed with a combination of potpourri, seashells from my summer home on Seal Harbor and the bones of several Guatemalan maids who worked for me as indentured servants.

When preparing for your holiday entertaining, consider a live hen as a festive center piece.

A well-placed cat in neutral colors is the perfect finishing touch to any fine interior.

Now would you look at that! This floral-inspired pregnancy test tells me I'm positive with a traditional May Day posie! And once you're done, you can save it as a keepsake in your very own velvet shadowbox.

I agree. It was awfully thoughtful of them to name that vineyard after me.

You can laugh all you want Nathan, but only one of us gets to enjoy this chocolate gauche Easter bunny when I get home today.

The Hamptons just aren't the same without my fresh pomegranate sun tea.

That's correct! I DID invent the term "butterflied."

Wait till they realize I used thyme on that leg of lamb instead of rosemary. Oh Martha, Ethel Kennedy has nothing on you...